If you look at a photo of me from 6 months ago, you'll notice I look a bit different. It's obvious that I've gained a significant amount of weight over the last few months. Now talking about weight gain is something that makes a lot of people uncomfortable, but I've come to realize that I can't control how people react to my writing, my content, my art, or my general existence. So, I'm going to do the scary thing and talk about it anyways.
I’d firstly like to remind you that while I’m comfortable discussing the changes in my body, a lot of people aren’t! So you guys, all I want to say is, just don’t be a dick. Keep your comments/observations about other people’s weight and shape to your damn self, okay? TYSM! So now, let’s get to it!
My weight gain has been one of the things that have come along with having a particular mental illness. I’ve talked about my eating disorder very openly and I try to educate people as much as I can on this topic. I think the one thing that shocks people the most is how long the healing process takes. I’ll never forget the moment when I was in a residential treatment facility and I heard the clinical director say “it usually takes people about 7 to 12 years to recover from eating disorder, sometimes shorter or longer, it just depends”.
Oh, and of course you always hear people say “recover isn’t linear.” I can vouch for that. The recovery process is quite a rollercoaster and I’ve also come to terms that my weight can also go up and down. This is the first time it’s gone up quite far. My clothes don’t fit anymore. I have bright red stretch marks that were never there before. My body is soft.
I will be very honest with you. Coping with my body changing has been really hard. But in the past when my weight has gone down, that’s been really hard too. I dislike change. I crave consistency.
But you know what’s different this time about my body changing? I have learned (and continue to learn) to love my body for more than the way that it looks. I have stopped placing so much worth on the size of my jeans and have learned that being thin does not equate to being happy. Being happy comes from doing the deep work and knowing I’m worthy of love, happiness, respect, joy, and all of the other lovely things regardless of my physical appearance.